Monday, September 11, 2006

Why Do Men Marry.....

Why do some educated expat men marry illiterate women from disadvantaged backgrounds (often very poor countries) in some cases ex-prostitues with whom they can HARDLY COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH AND ONLY ACROSS A LIMITED RANGE OF TOPICS?

That question was posed in an online expatriate forum I frequent. Well, alright, I guess "frequent" is bit of an understatement if you search how many posts "Vixey" has there. Anyway, this post isn't about me and my itchy fingers on the computer. That is the topic for my next blog post.

Anyway, someone mentioned that my reply to the question above was worth a read so I am posting it here as well.

Ok...responses here are getting off tangent and emotional as some have delved deeper into the words chosen by TOC.

Maybe it was done on purpose to push some buttons or maybe not. But he has asked a question that I believe some of us, have at some point or other, asked or exclaimed in surprise or disbelief.

Some choose to admit that they have wondered as well. While others choose to be politically correct and remain silent (or PM ToC with their views). Only difference here is that he has brought out in the open what many of us have muttered under our breaths.

Why do some of us wonder then about the social compatibility of couples? Curiousity. Because in a world where divorce rates are increasing; the pairing of couples and successful relationships are always good to put under the microscope. And we indirectly wager on how long "mismatched couples" in our eyes, will last.

So, why then do people still marry? Apart from the usual boring stuff like love and legalised shagging:

1. Traditional values of spouse, kids and a picket white fence.
2. Societal obligation; fear of being judged as a "desperate single".
3. Economic Survival

During post war days, many women married out of necessity. Sometimes to older men who were from different cultures and they could not even speak the same language but able to care for them and their multitude of siblings. My great-grandmother was one such person. She was Thai and at 15 years old found herself orphaned with 8 younger siblings. She married a much, much older man from a different culture who promised to give them all a roof over their heads.

In those days, women really were the weaker sex, deprived of formal education, they depended on the men.

Then, women from developed nations & developing nations fought for equality and educated themselves. Developing careers, vowing they would never be mistaken for "weak" and needing a man to fulfill their physiological needs.

So what happened to the men then? Some evolved to accept the changing role and attitudes of women. While others found it hard to find an educated woman, who could balance the "traditional concept" of woman & mother yet independant. There are career women out there who do it magnificiently. But among today's educated woman, many haven't a clue as to how to run a home and family. Yes, you have maids for that. But running a home is so much more than just being able to delegate a maid's duties.

As globalisation develops, educated men from developed nations find work in developing or under-developed nations. Here, they find women, who are far from weak because they have endured much from poverty, war, colonisation etc. Yet, they are steeped in the core traditional values of home-maker.

Regardless of their occupation which is served mostly by necessity & survival of their families, these women fit the "traditional value" some educated men are looking for. So what if she doesn't speak eloquently or has a shady past? He might see in her the strength of being a nurturer that he hasn't found in his intellectual peers.

Although I do believe some men do marry beneath their social compatibility to be able to "control" their wives. But I also do believe that there are educated men out there who do not need a double income family or an intellectual peer in their mate. What they are looking for is a full-time mother to their children who is Queen of his castle. And not riding beside him into the battlefields arguing that she needs to conquer the neighbouring land so he needs to go back to the Castle and watch the little prince.

Current statistics show that there are a high number of single educated women over the age of 30. Why? I don't think its because men fear intellectual women as partners.

The way I see it, in today's world, you get married when you want a family. If both parties don't, many are contented in de facto marriages, enjoying the companionship, yet free to pursue their own careers and dreams.

So, on one hand, you have a group of men, who want the traditional lifestyle. And on the other, women who are their social and intellectual peers, who are going to juggle corporate life and family life.

It all depends on the motivation of why a man wants to marry in the first place. And the priority he places in his marriage.

Sadly in our bid to emancipate ourselves from the shackles of being deemed the weaker sex and to avoid manipulation & control by men, many of us women have lost the core essence of our feminity which is our Nurturing quality.

We fail to nurture the men in our lives and our relationships because we can stand on our own two feet. And we tell them, there's the door if you are not happy.

Well, those men do walk out that door and straight into the arms of women who have not lost that nurturing quality. In exchange for economic survival, she knows how to give a man the kind of home and family he desires.

So that's all it boils down to. Personal desire. "

Note: Interestingly enough today's The Star carries an article on a man wanting to marry aging prostitutes.


  1. Vixey,

    don't spend too much time analysing species called 'man'. let it go. if they are good, we keep them and if they are up to no good, we kick them.

    We must always to live for ourself as human first (some humans have hard time being human, they rather be animals!).

    talk later,ciao babe


  2. Agree on analysing men...pointless aggravation.

    But have to disagree about behaving like animals as a negative...On contrary, some animals behave better than humans. :-)